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For His Mercy Endures Forever! (Psalms 106:1)
I have been meeting with the church in San Antonio since 1984. Since I was baptized at grade 12 in 1959, I have had 40 years of experience at Christian living. In my life there have been ups and downs. Just this week (6/4/99), while I was driving on I-410, I had a strong urge from deep within to call out “O Lord, I love You!” But then I thought “Am I in an euphoria because it seems that my outward situation is okay and I don't have a headache?” Was my praise to the Lord simply because “Thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? Thou hath blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land (Job 1:10.)”?
Yes, my Lord provides and protects. But more than this, He has given Himself to me. That is the foremost reason that I love Him. My life is not always smooth. My father passed away in Taiwan, in 1992, from leukemia. From the time he first felt ill to his death was only one week. The last time I saw him was at his funeral. Monetarily speaking, I lost over one hundred thousand dollars of my own and my relatives' money on an engine shop in 1996. I was also laid off twice in 1980 and 1981. Physically speaking, I had migraine attacks while attending graduate school at the University of Arizona. It hurt so bad that I vomited and had to stay in a dark room when the migraines hit. After graduate school, the migraines went away. I was also hospitalized in Austin in 1993 because of drastic internal bleeding which the doctor could not diagnose. I also remember that I had a toothache while driving from Los Angeles to my home in San Antonio in 1991. The pain was unbearable the second day. I suppose I should have stopped at Fort Stockton for a night, but I just drove through the whole night. Moreover, though a flu and minor headache won't kill me, it makes me realize how feeble my human body is. Was Paul's life “blessed” when he wrote the book to Timothy? Definitely not, in a sense. He wrote that letter from a prison cell. He even could not perform a miracle to cure Timothy's stomach ulcer but exhorted him to use a little wine. Where was Paul's handkerchief? In Paul's early ministry, even his handkerchief and apron could cure people (Acts 19:12); but in his old age, Paul could not do much. However, he loved his Lord even more.
Alas, “God, who is rich in mercy, for His great love wherewith He loved us” (Ephesians 2:4). I know that I love Him because He first loved me, not because everything is okay in my human life. I am thankful for that, but I have to call on His name and tell my Lord that I love Him, in good and in bad. Karl Bath told Hans Kung that he would not point in the end, to his collected theological writings for justification, or even mention his “good intention.” In Bath's view, the only suitable words that he could say in the presence of his Judge were: “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” It strikes a chord in me every time I remember that John Nelson Darby in his 80's knelt down in a lonely inn before his bed and told his Lord that he still loved Him. It touches me every time I read First Timothy 1:15. My heart echoes with the old, feeble Paul who still loved the Lord that much. Paul declared: “Faithful is the word and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am foremost!” Watchman Nee died in a remote, labor farm in China in 1972. His last note, written from a shaky hand, discovered under his pillow was: “Christ is the Son of God who died for the redemption of sinners and resurrected after three days. This is the greatest truth in the universe. I die because of my belief in Christ. Watchman Nee.” Witness Lee wrote his last hymn in 1997. It was titled: “O Lord, I love you.” Why should I doubt my love toward my Lord? And who am I compared to the great men of faith, yet do I dare not tell my Lord that He is loveable? Yes! Oh, Lord, I love You!
John Yu | Back to List
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